Morbidity and Life

I was aware of 4 death news in the span of 10 days. Death is really inevitable.

As I always say, like from Robbie Williams' song Come Undone, "I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to". True enough, life is so short that you have to extend possibilities and stretch it in ways that you could or more than you could expect. I am into gore and goth so lately, I celebrate life and death in my own ways.

I just needed a small post, connected to my blog entry at my collaboration blog with my best friend http://tallsmallshow.livejournal.com/10404.html - about a great person who is well-loved by anybody who came across his path of life, Manny Distor. I went to his funeral last week and spoken to his sister, Luisa, who is holding up pretty well, regardless of her sudden loss of her 37-year old health and sports buff brother. He expanded his life to the extreme fullest regardless of dying young. One heart attack, as nobody's aware, even himself of his condition. Gone in the soils of the earth but will never be forgotten.

I just wanted to post our production pics here (circa 2006), in memory of Manny:

Italianni's @ Greenbelt 3

Manny as Brent in the mobisode demo Love & Sex

It was fun. You will be so missed Manny...

Everybody, embrace life and love. Death is just another beginning.

The Grandieur of Prizes and Settling Consolation of Defeatists

People don't seem to like accepting and keeping "the prize". They love "the settle".

I got dissed by my room mate yesterday. She welcomed her ex that I absolutely dislike in my pad. I just got back from my ole hometown so I just dropped my overnight backpack, walk out the door without anything but my house keys. I started walking down 8 flights down instead of the lift, being so upset to walk it off. I ended up in my neighbor's place, J,  to chill.

J and I talked about it until I felt better. Life. Friendships. Relationships. We both have the same idea. That lots of people in this world don't like "the prize" when they have it. People take this for granted, when they have the best person for them. They are complacent and ungrateful. Or sometimes, freaked out to have something not melodramatic but perfect.

Instead, they always go for "the settle". They think that they cannot have or the perfect is unachievable so they settle to the one that is easy to have, undermining what they really need. Now they delude themselves that this is the one for them and void the idea of "the prize".

Remember that before you get "the prize", you have to go through some difficulties and entry forms to fill up... the works. Too much hardwork at first, so people, give up and give in to their weak souls. But the difference of this against "the settle" is that the fruits of accepting your prize would be a lifelong happiness that you would never regret, rather than settling to something because it is easy-- that you already have dedicated much of your time to it, that you have invested on it for so long, you deny yourself of something that must be something greater.

I settled a lot in my last relationship. And it crushed me to bits only to see that I shamed myself by doing so. I pulled myself back up and here I am, aware of what I deserve.

I do not want to be "the settle" and I do not think I am.

I cannot have "the settle" because I need "the prize".

I can only write. I may or may not influence or open other people's eyes but here is my wisdom gained. Something to share.

Can I have my prize now?

Bitterness in A Sealed Jar

MSN:
Jeroen says:
Yeah I know, I have to talk to her tonight. I want to go back to being friends.
wish frozenlipz says:
good. life is too short for any of us drag someone along without any guarantees.
wish frozenlipz says:
we have to be one less bitter person in this world.

ONE LESS BITTER PERSON IN THIS WORLD -- I just realised that. Now that I have grown and learned so much so far in my dear life, I shall avoid to hurt anyone and save as much people as I could to feeling bitter. Not just me, but all of us who's been hurt, been happy, been stabbed in the back... life is too short to drag some feelings of uncertainty for years.

The Confusion Stage: to stay or to leave?

It is still better to hurt now than later. We tend to chose the latter. To keep on going and checking the "what ifs" to come to life. But usually, we do not trust our instincts and stay instead of leaving. You end up chaining yourself and dragging the other person to the sand of wonders and instability. We tend to get complacent, loathe and cheat away because we are selfish enough not to think of what is the best to do but pat ourselves in the head with what will make us feel better or secured. On the other hand, we also try not to break someone thinking if you stop now, they will be shattered... until we cannot stretch the rubber anymore and it can break much harder than it was before.

The Cheater's Testing Ground of Escape: Karmic

But then again all of these are relative. Each situation in our lives are unique that we just have to be conscientious enough to do what is right for ourselves and others.

Another chance to vent. And ponder. Things you can learn from just a couple of words from a chat away...

The difference of "like" and "love" are completely similar yet different in nature. It is just like mistaking love to infatuation or like to lust. As much as we want this world to be simple, its expensiveness, we usually cannot afford. But achievable. We don't even need a bail-out to bail out of these painful decisions in love but I reckon the best way to realise what is the real thing is by looking at our own selves and know what you really want out of this person we feel about. The risk factor is about the other whether to respond the same way.

The Clueless The Like Led by Ego

S/He loves me, S/He loves me not Stages

I tend to loop my writings since they all make sense, considering two sides of the coin.

It is sad to know and be aware that people can separate physical from emotions. That "what happened" is nothing but. That "it was fun" and that's it. That "pretend it didn't happen" and forgotten. That "I am not ready" but I do it anyway. I guess it is everybody's fault. I always say "nothing will happen if someone says no." Albeit we allow it all the time. Maybe we needed intimacy at that time... but is intimacy so tainted now that intimacy is nothing but physical?

Just too... Physical: Emptiness Aftermath

I browse online everyday, looking around, knowing some of them and at the end of the day, people are looking for the real thing. Perfection is even being overlooked at because I can see that people cannot stand perfect. They cannot stand what is real. They want it and when they get it, they run away. I sometimes am idealistic and think that if we can stitch all these longing people by pairs, the world will have less heartbreaks-- again it is impossible.

Stalker Selfless


Unrequited Love

In denial: Blinded

In denial: Numb

Time ticks and never stops. The world will carry on with its seasons and reasons and we keep on breathing. People will constantly break and make... and evolve to better or worse. As much as I could, I will try to be one less of a bitter person in this universe... though I am breaking at times.

Wish in the Future.

The Thought of a Writer's Blank Space

A writer's block can take you to a different level of writing like what I am doing right now. Just brisking away as I am typing in my newly battered new keyboard. I just have to write something. My brain tells me to... but I do not know where my mind is wandering. They should be together!

I still stare blankly. I shall be more than this. Defeat the blank pages and carry on writing.

Okay 13 minutes passed. What shall I do to prick my blood out and let it bleed?

I feel in the state of limbo, feeling all the emotions you can feel, positive and negative. Too many things running through my mind and nerves that I cannot contain them in words... mere words to compensate the expression of your aural view.

After 2 hours... still here, blank. This is a nice experiment of a writer's block. So what do we do now?

I just realised that some friends never take me seriously. Am I too funny or nonsensical? Or because I look too young, I am tagged as a little girl and just take me for granted. Go ahead. Wrath... ack, leave me alone please.

Or maybe I must be doing something wrong? Too nice? Damn I am so nice lately I sometimes forget about my cussing. But who doesn't want it.

People in general usually gets complacent. They forget to appreciate. How sad. Or maybe people are so full of themselves they forget others? Am I that not memorable?

Alas, i might be picking the wrong friends! It IS my fault.

Fuck the drama.

Dad, will you be able to read this?

Okay I shall make sense next time. Another 16 minutes had passed.

Stay free, mates.