18 October 2007

Bleak Lightness of Days

I though the darkest places were already covered with light.

I am still going through it. No matter how much you move on, it changes something inside you. I never noticed this until a friend advised that I need to get some help. I do not believe that a person like me should pay someone to listen to me. But my friend gave me a good point, from his experience: he told me I think that everybody around me especially my friends changed that's why I am easily agitated, or scared of them but the truth is I AM THE ONE WHO CHANGED. I stopped. It was a rude awakening. It is so right. I never realised that something in my spirit is still torn apart.

I wish it'll be as easy as how Peter Pan sews his shadow to his feet so it won't go on its own sometimes.

I know i am a very strong person who can go through anything and will keep on walking towards the light but this is beyond any hurt I have ever known in my entire life. It is beyond words.

I am so angry right now. I recognise these things and the damage it is causing me and the one who did this to me never even thinks that he might need some help too. His entire family is in denial that there is something wrong with him. All the more that I talk to him all the more I get information and all that I am beginning to have doubts about him... and he tells our other friends a different statement as if we cannot compare notes.

I thought I can still be there to support him but seems that his arrogance are buoying up the water. As for him, he's proud that he jumped out of the 7th floor and survived and as if everything is okay now. IT'S FUCKING NOT OKAY! Nothing is okay! I cannot take this anymore. I cannot be his friend for I know now that I do not really know him in the first place.

Now I have extra damages incurred and I will seek counselling soon. I have to fucking pay my way and I am the one whos suffering by a selfish action of somebody else.

I am in total disgust. I wish I can cry on somebody's shoulder. Not a counsellor but a friend. I am so tired of crying but it just deliberately flows...


i shiver in the foggy darkness...

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