04 April 2008

Dear God

The best of the worst always happens to me... the attempted suicide witness, the death of my Mommy on New Year's Eve... and the ending of an engagement.

I feel beyond hurt. I am, for the first time afraid of everything. I feel like dying and I want to die. I won't kill myself but I am hoping my life would end. My soul is not mine, it was a gift but I feel like I always have to put up with things after all the good thing I always try to do. I try to help people, love unconditionally, help people and enrich my spiritual life...

I don't know where to start over again. I want to fight for him but it's a risk that will prolong my pain.

I loved him on the level I thought I will never attain or feel. Someone wants to marry me... and I wanted it. But everything fell so short. I was a collateral damage to all his issues that just arose.

Why does it have to happen in my time with him? Why?

God gave me the biggest sign that it IS him for me... even my Mommy said so before she died. But it failed. I am so miserable. Much more painful for me because we separated not because of "us" but "his" own issues about himself.

I miss him. I want to be with him and I want to be there for him. But it's beyond my control.

He's the worse thing that ever happened to me because I love him so much and I believe he's the only one for me.

It's all I wanted.

Dear God.

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