30 April 2008

The Brave Melancholia

It terrifies me to write and expose not to the public but the act of exposing myself in letters and words to my own self. For everything I do tend to stab and cut my insides more and more.

But a part of me is pushing me to type now--- my sadness.

I have to look at my life right now as if it's another work project. Because I can only find comfort in my career at the moment.

I've settled and left my single livid life. No more parties, preparing to be a wife. But now that it won't happen, I have to retrace where I was before I settled into this and I face it with distaste already. Almost nothing I would use are left. I have to discover a world of possibilities... unexplored world that will plot my new land of getting back on track of life.

I will still continue to my plans to be one of the most powerful women in Asia.
I can walk my neighbors' dogs in the afternoon...
I can learn languages...
I can enroll in culinary arts school...
I shall keep on traveling

The party days are really so over. There's a lot more to this that I need to fathom to enhance my life and take the indescribable pain away. I am so sad. But I have to live day by day with this broken heart, carrying on and sometimes finding comfort in it. Tears will always fall... everyday. Each tear seems to be very heavy than ever before.

"Eyes poisoned with tears..." - just read this phrase from The Shadow of the Wind, the book I am reading right now. Right on the spot.

I cannot think past by today. I have to. To take it easy on myself... at least. God knows how much I feel. He can see and hear me.

I am walking alone. Moving on to save myself. I have done more than I could and the ball is in another court.

Melancholia basking under the sun, that is me.

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