Dishing Up Life For My Future Siblings... pt 2

I have abandoned this idea but I should push through. I have another advice for my future siblings.


Life Lesson no. 0002:


If a boy tries to annoy and bully you in school, mostly around Kindergarten or grade school, that means they are crushing on you. They just don't know how to get your attention the best yet.


The P.S. part there is that it will happen for the rest of your life, since some boys never grow up. As you get older and more matured, you can just find it cute rather than annoying.

40 Days of Rock Climbing Adulthood

Dad in his teenage years...

Things happened. The past happened and now is restarting the future ahead.

Life never stops and wait for you. You have to keep on going because the world turns, the sunrise and sunset inevitably moves along our sorrows and joyfulness.

It has been 40 days after my Daddy died. Details are not important how. The point is that nothing in this world will cure him but my Mom and God. He belongs and deserves freedom from pain and fear. He had suffered enough. His eternal love for Mom cannot be replaced by chemo or the best care I could pay for him.

This is humbling to know that money cannot replace life. Life happens at our humblest moments. You know why the “rock bottom” is hard? Because it stops us from falling further down to the bowels of hell. Hell no.

I almost hit rock bottom when I realize that Dad’s gone. That we don’t have any more parents. But I guess having my brother, sisters, niece and nephew softened the impact and made me stand up easily. But it will never be the same. No parents. Orphans. No safety net. Time to take the highest form of adulthood. This never occurs until your parents leave for heaven. It’s not sufficient to state it in words. Nobody would understand unless you’re sailing on the same boat as other orphans.

It doesn’t help that I am the Daddy’s girl. Sometimes it hits me and I still question or recall what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve… And I don’t have any explanation why it hits me from time to time. My mum had always been hurting my heart 4 years after she passed so I know that I have to just feel these melancholy moments for me to be able to let go and carry on.

Today, I thought that Steve Jobs will be welcomed by my Dad and others who passed because of cancer up there… wherever they are. No more pain.

Hi Dad, how's it going up there? Thanks for watching after me... I love you Dad.

Monotone Rainbow Up In The Search Engine

There are so many contrasts of people, generations and trends. I had a question in my head:

"Is it me, or is it the generation, or is it the age?" - Thinking about this question now, I negated my own self. I am sure people ask the same things most of the time especially this.

I was cynical of the future youth. But studying in Italy last year changed my mind. My conclusion was that there is hope in the future-- having met young and bubbly people who live life like a party and are university achievers.

As I go to one workplace to another, that's where I get more exposed to younger employees... and I've been in that position too. Would you really compare then and now? Or I should go back to my law of individuality that you are what you choose.

Younger generation have more tools to play around and expand worlds. Development and even typing didn't need typewriting ribbons or liquid papers anymore. Not generalising but most convenience of technology today is making kids lazy.

They are lazy to talk face to face.
They are lazy to climb trees and play tag under scorching heat.
They are lazy to learn harder; Google is always there.
They are lazy.

This laziness causes people to take things for granted. They think that the world will never end as long as they're connected online. They look at books funnily. They don't need to store information in their heads because their mighty smartphone will always give them an answer.

This laziness stops juvenile professionals to work harder, to learn harder, to perform harder. A little pebble on the road seems like a complete tsunami disaster to them. They don't put fire into their eyes. Because technology is available.

I am upset. I am sad. But I am not lazy to feel those.

My own fire is constantly burning. This fire will be scorching for a while to hopefully turn things around. That's the only thing I can do for these juvenile generation. Teach them to grow up. That technology is not God, it's a tool from God to be used smartly.

Relaxed is good, lazy is ho-hum.

I am a geek. But I live. How about you?

Dishing Up Life For My Future Siblings...

I have an idea to get back into blogging. It doesn't mean that I have run out of ideas to write. It's just that I do not kick myself much to get on into this more regularly. I don't want this obligation but I should continue to impart thoughts and inspirations to people who wanted some direction from an outer source to get back into their inner soul after.

I just thought that I should be writing something that will be a time capsule for my future children. At their generation, this blogging practice must be like an old locked diary for them to explore what their mums and dads were during their younger days. So I should start now, one lesson, one advice, one funny thought and one ideas at a time.

Life lesson no 0001:

Do not bring your first date in Thai, Chinese or Indian restaurant.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE these cultural dishes (I just ate at a great Thai restaurant tonight). It's just that you don't want to have a bad breath from spices or get a "run", just in case. Best foot forward!

Tower of Babel Gag Complex

The power of language.

People who know me are aware that I love languages. I really put my best effort to learn at least the basics but I have a lot of insecurities while speaking them. I'd rather write and chat in a strange language than speaking it loudly. I am always afraid to be wrong or to feel that I am not respecting the language properly and that is a big problem.

I have self-taught myself a few languages like Spanish or French and others have been taught by my friends or couchsurfers that come along my way: Polish, Dutch, German, Swiss, Norwegian, Danish, Swedish, Mandarin, Thai, Czech... so on and so forth.

I don't consider myself as a polyglot though. Basics of different languages is not enough for me to be crowned a polyglot. I am so far from it. My obssessiveness hinders me to make a mistake so I usually freeze or just shut up. Some people will try and try and don't care if they're wrong. I wish I am as bold as that. How could I?

I address this "wish's achilles heel." I am constantly trying to be great at my Italian language. I have started to study 2 years ago and a few times, I almost gave up. I feel like I am not catching up as fast as I should. I am afraid and I panic. Technically, I'm almost well-equipped with fair structural and vocabulary capabilities but in my world, it is not enough. I've got to speak and understand it better.

Thus, I am blessed to be given a chance by the Director of the Italian Cultural Institute of Singapore to be one of the chosen students to get a scholarship to study in Italy. I just got my letter of acceptance from University of Siena for Foreigners. I will study there for a month... in Tuscany! It is my dream and now, it'll be a reality in a few months' time.

This will fix my achilles heel and I'd be able to focus and process a foreign language better and stronger without fear. I will expect something great out of this. I really should.

And I am putting another pressure in my head... I've got to stop.

I have to enjoy this journey to Italian language proficiency. This is something to be proud of.

Things happen for a reason and I guess Tower of Babel wasn't built in a day but God changed people's tongues in a flash... and that's where chaos before peace started...

Spero essere brava subito!

The Moment of Gratefulness with Braces On

click for better appreciation of the reasonable killer bunny

For most of the Singaporeans my age, they have not seen a flood ever in their lives until yesterday along the CBD area, the popular central proper, Orchard Road. The flood swallowed much of a Starbucks branch, Massimo Dutti, Hermès, Lucky Plaza, among the rest of the roads and lots there.

I am fascinated how frazzled everybody are, understanding that this is uncommon for this city state with amazing infrastructure and efficiency. It is very unsettling yet funny to see how this event unfolds looking through the forums and article comments posted on the internet regarding this.

I have to comment on one first... I understand that some cars got swept away or trapped within the flooded areas. Other motorists could have prevented the car damage by NOT even attempting to drive their automatic cars with full computer/electronic technology right through the flood. But how would they know that this will stall their cars, shutting those computers dead? Nobody told them, since they don't need 'the flood emergency guide for dummies' book, right?

If I sound like I am bashing, I am not. Again, this is my blog and I am an observer of the universe of my own opinion.

Then, citizens started to blame everything they can think of under the sun: the government, ministries, town councils, foreign workers, unemployment, low salary, city development, the Marina Barrage, China women stealing local husbands from local wives (eh?!) etcetera of the weird kind. Others have more valid opinions like global warming or suspicion/theory of canal failure etcetera, with valid data and scientific reference.

Some sensibilities kick in when others just say to move on and tackle the problem to solve it, expecting that it can happen again.

Being spoiled and naive is helpful at times: you can live a comfortable life. But once naivety falls into unknown circumstances, people forget the 101 good things and focus on one bad thing that may just be a "normal" situation in less-fortunate countries. In short, it's too easy for people to take things for granted.

That's the best thing about most third-world countries. They are more resilient and grateful for a morsel of hope and a pinch of positivity and learned how to smile at the worse of tragedies.

Singapore is a great country. It has some flaws but its flaws are never as bad as the rest of us. If you oppose me, I don't give a damn. I just know how to appreciate little things that makes life worth every breathing moment.

Popping the Q by Firing Squad

There are so many articles and debates about the word “cheating.” Millions of points of view can sway you here and there with the different spectrum of angles coming from men, women, gays, parents, the church etcetera.

So don’t get me started on this because I am just another teenie voice to the whole universe of thoughts and opinions.

But what is what we call “universally right”?

It is all about the guilt factor for me. Yet, some people acclaim they have no conscience as they do it. Denial is guilt. Reasons why they do it falls into the guilt category too.

This will be a long story of opinions and contradictions so I’ll stop here.

I am just relieved of Bear* (*not his real name) not popping the question yet to his long-term partner after knowing that he’s on his way to Bali tomorrow for almost a week, I needed to confirm if this is a proposal trip in which he said no and it’s for a conference. I felt relieved for him.

Why do I worry? I felt the sense of responsibility knowing Bear is a friend who is not near walking down the aisle yet. Nowhere near.

He’s been given a deadline to either propose and get married or end it. And he’s got 30 days left. It’s now a matter of going with it since he undoubtedly love her but not enough to make him stray a few times within the relationship. Not a third party story but some one-night adventures along the way. How do you call it? Fast thrill cheats.

The woman needed it for status. It’s attached to her culture to be married now at her age of 28 and has been living in with a man and in a relationship for 3 years. She cannot risk waiting so it’s either ‘marry-or-leave-so-I-can-find-someone-else-to-marry-me’ situation. She loves him undoubtedly but status comes first.

I have seen long-term couples who break up because the woman wanted to marry and the guy doesn’t at one stage in their relationship. That’s where everything breaks apart.

That’s pressure. When pressure is too much, it creates cracks.

I am interestingly observing this helix of conscious and subconscious consequences in a real-life comicbook. As I turn the pages, I anticipate what is drawn and said in the next panels. I am afraid for the both of them. As much as I try to look at things positively, I cannot deny the facts. Bear is stuck with the thought that he may be missing something better and looks further without appreciating that the best may just be the one in front of him already. That he is strongly influenced by his surroundings to the fact that men are naturally made to spread their seeds. That as it makes sense that you won’t really get some libido out of your system, therefore, you should continue to harvest. That’s it.

I am excited as well as hesitant to see him in 5 years’ time. These ideals can evolve to something good or bad and shouldn’t be a constant state of being. All I can think of now is to halt his wedding if it occurs.

I am also telling myself: what if the marriage and building a family will make him realise that this is what he wanted? That this is not so bad after all to commit to for the rest of his life? That it will be a blessing in disguise for him to go through the matrimony and turn his life around?

Who do I kid though? Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Cinderella?

I believe that we all have a justification from all choices we make in each outlook that we believe in. Once you set your mind into something, that is what you live by. When you decide that this is one potato, you perceive one potato picture in your mind. There’s always a hole in that justification to alter things but when you’re fully decided that that moment, you are concrete.

It is indeed, attracting the universe. You attract what you want and it happens in different avenues, streets and hallways.

Going back to Bear. He’s got his mind set that he cannot get the thrill of sexual experiences around enough that he will stop because he may tie the knot. His surroundings that are on this act for so long justify the mean that this is an option.

He already ordered a very beautiful, pricey diamond ring from Tiffany’s. Part of the status.

The last time I have spoken to him, things are inconsistent. As much as he fights his conscience, there’s a good, romantic guy in there. It just doesn’t shine through at this time yet.

I hope it won’t be too late for him. Set aside the bullshit timeline.

30 days. I can’t help but wonder. I’ll probably find out through an SMS within 30 days.

I still have good faith in people. But if it’s all about status, then leave me alone.

Politically Misaligned Tooth of Wisdom with Silver Lining Fillings

I always think of blog entries and start typing with my head almost everyday yet there’s nothing I publish here. Is it lack of eagerness? Or just that when I am inspired to write, I am remotely away from any forms of technology. Time to get a smartphone, I’d say but I can’t really be bothered right now. I keep on procrastinating this part. It’s not entirely a bad thing because I know that I am spending my cash on my priorities in life.

So I am just stealing away my non-presence of mind right now to just write freely. I have a story to tell all my friends so I may as well compound this into a blog entry for you to read and comment about (click on “interpolation” link to comment please). My high on pills seems working well. Mind you, it is prescribed and an initial treatment to my “maybe” TMJ (temporomandibular joint disorder, Wikipedia speaks: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temporomandibular_joint_disorder) or not. Two dentists with specialties on TMJ have different views about my case. Had my new dentist back in Makati City never mentioned this to me, I wouldn’t have known that there’s some illness like this. This jaw muscle is apparently connected to our brains, ears, sights, shoulder, back, and down to the toes. It’s a different animal than that of a useless appendix. I have been getting migraine more frequently and some other symptoms but I never knew that they would be all connected. I was really upset to hear that I have this and cannot undergo treatment since I live in Singapore, away from my new dentist. Some advised me to get a 2nd opinion here in Singapore so I did.

The Sg TMJ specialist dentist examined me and my x-rays thoroughly. For the first time, I’ve felt that a doctor is not in a rush and is friendly here! He explained to me as much as he could up to the medications I will need to take. The only thing is that he’s saying a totally different result to me against my PH dentist! So I have to sit down and be logical about both opinions. I need to check myself of what is prominent in my case. I just knew I don’t really have this stupid TMJ because ultimately, my jaw and my mouth can still open wide and all without pain. My ear pain may be coming from a different symptom and not connected to TMJ since this Sg dentist said I do not have. The only thing I may have is MPS (Myofascial Pain Syndrome, Wiki speaks: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myofascial_pain_syndrome) , in which my right jaw muscle is working 24/7 even when I’m asleep because I tend to clench at all times and my jaw doesn’t relax during sleep. This is also caused by stress and tension.

Right. The Sg dentist said that I am really a control freak and he detected from the time I entered his clinic. Too much organisation and worrying actually doesn’t help the crazy happy me at all! I am just a natural worrier of all things even if I am happy and contented. I really need to plan ahead all the time.

I really need to relax better and the right way. How? I just have to pick my battles now. Just as simple as a mud in the floor tile makes me feel stressed. I should just let it go haha.

Okay, so it’s my first day of medication and I’d like to give it up already. I have been given a cocktail of painkiller + muscle relaxant twice a day for 2 weeks and a sedative at night for 5 nights. I just don’t think that I can work being drowsy and high. But I think I have to endure this and see what happens. I’ll try not to count the days left so I’ll be so happy when I reach the end of popping the blister packs of the pills.

But my instinct is now telling me if I need the third opinion. Should I? You’ve got to tell me. All I care about is to be healthy. I am very optimistic that I am simply okay but it would be great to know it with justification.

So enough of that, I am actually not upset or anything negative. I am actually grateful and blessed.

_______________________


I just came back from a great holiday back in the Philippines. It was the election week and a better reason to hang around. This trip made me love PH again. This time, I had more time to spend more time with my dear friends and my Dad and brother JC. I have loved these people so much and I am glad to hug, talk and see them again face to face.

As much of a free soul as I am, I do not really miss home. I started to roam around away from the family for the longest time that both parties are used to me being away.

This time is different. When I parted ways with Dad and JC, I felt like I miss them already… and I realised that this feeling gave me more sense of peace now at home after being afraid of staying too long at my parents’ place especially since my mum passed on because I don’t want to feel too much sadness. This time, it’s just lightness. And I am glad.

This teaches you that when you create an environment of simplicity, positivity and happiness, everything around you will lighten up and give you rays of sunshiny path in your life.

I was also blessed to meet my former boss from my first job, Kim. She is one of the pillars of my wisdom. She taught me and shaped me so much that is why I am who I am, business-wise and woman-wise right now. She was there during the time that I was still a raw material, ready to be shaped into a Sotheby’s –type of a vase valued high to be bid highly by the rest. She had this amazing spiritual faith and being with her again makes me feel more blessed by God. This is priceless and I will repeatedly share this to the world.

And one of my ultimate goals is to spend more time with Lily, she's a very good friend of mine and we've been through a lot of good and bad times together - from Romy and Michelle days to Sex And The City moments to Real Women phase right now. It's great to just hang out and talk a lot again together. It feels like home.

______________________

So, my PH trip really went so well until I got to the ugly NAIA Terminal 1 airport. But to be fair, they've repainted its façade, surprisingly!

Things went smoothly checking in. Internet check-in rocks comparing to the looooong queue you have to go through without it.

Every OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) will need to have an OEC (Overseas Exit Clearance) every time they have to leave PH (you get it from either POEA or in PH embassies for a price). Yes… it’s another way for them to take money from their people since the OFWs are the biggest profitable resource of this country. I’ll simply put it that you have to pay the country to leave, after you visit back home while spending so much with pasalubongs (take home gifts) and treating your family and friends to malls and restaurants while on a visit.

The PH embassy in Sg issued me a multiple OEC, 5 to be exact. The last 4 trips, I got out with this clearance smoothly. The last one, which I used this time, it created a nightmare. I almost missed my flight because of a bullshit mistake that wasn’t even my mistake.

After my check-in, I went through the terminal fee section in which foreigners like most of you are, have to pay PHP750.00 or roughly US$16 before you go to immigration. For us OFWs, we just need to present this friggin OEC and we are exempted from paying this BS. The counter told me that my OEC didn’t have a date issued marked so she told me to go to the airport’s OFW centre to have them put a date on it. I started to flare up a bit, knowing that my past 4 OECs didn’t have any dates indicated either but I wasn't inconvenienced like this. I tried to calm down and when I got to the OFW centre, the clerk, an old lady said that she cannot put a date on my OEC and I need to go to POEA (Philippine Overseas Employment Agency) and I won’t be able to leave the country. WHAT THE FUCK?! I debated that they would only need her to put a date and she said she can’t since I don’t have a receipt to prove that I was issued that.

Oh yeah… that OEC has my computer printed name, passport number and stamps from the embassy. Isn’t that enough? One friggin bullshit date! I could’ve written it myself but I thought it would be a special stamp.

When she said that, my life flashed before my eyes and I’ve lost my composure. I trembled, eyes swelled up in tears, with my new pixie hairdo (I just NEEDED to mention this :P), I cried. I really felt helpless. Applying for this one OEC in POEA in PH will take you 3 days just from queueing for one stupid OEC!

Then the clerk, as bitchy as she was, softened up and gave me an alternative to make a formal statement. It is to say that I never had any problem with the past 4 OECs without the date in them etc. Then I had to finish signatures etc in 2 counters, 2 times each and I was issued a new one.

Why did they even do that when they can just re-issue me with a new one plus a small payment in the first place? I’m sure I’m not the only one who experienced this. It happens hundreds of times everyday!

Then it reminded me why I didn’t go home for 7 months. It reminded me why I left. It reminded me why I’m burnt out by these ill-mannered systems. It is quite sad.

Since I said earlier that I will try to de-stress and pick my battles, this blog is a little release. It is not a great way to finish my PH holiday but the silver lining is that I am happy to be home here in Singapore.

But I can’t help but wonder (this phrase is such a Carrie Bradshaw journalism cliché): Now that the Philippine election is computerized, will they roll it out and apply electronic systems with other government services? I am thinking of different ways on how to improve how the government handles OFW services.

Look, OFWs work so stupendously hard, away from their families, sacrificing their lives to send money home or simply to improve their own lives. They are bringing in billions of dollars in a year (more than US$16 billion last 2008, according to POEA statistics) from remittances alone. Why can’t the government do something back for us? We are working in full modesty and we need to be treated right as well. I’m sure there’s a way to address this OEC bullshit. I am not the only one. I saw 3 DH Filipinas while I was at that OFW centre that cannot leave when their future employers already booked and are expecting for their arrival that day. Come on…

And this will connect to the same old senators on top 12 on the electoral race partial results so far. An actor leading the race??? Then the son of corrupted parents on the 2nd??? If Noynoy Aquino didn’t run, the idiot that we ousted years ago will win the presidential race again??? When will we ever learn??? The silver lining here is that I’m glad that Filipinos are still smiling no matter what and they forgive idiots who steal their right to better infrastructure and systems in their country.

Philippine government, when will be the time that you’ll give back to us? You always say don't ask what the country can do for you but ask yourself of what you want to do for your country instead. We're doing our part, how about you?



I am always unpatriotic but I care.

In conclusion, it is time for me to apply for my PR here in Singa. Same old story from a global Pinay.

The Prowess Unleashed… again? And Love Letters in a Nutshell (or paper?)

I would just need to put the word that is crawling unto my external environment: PUSSY. Yes, I did say it but what’s new about being blatant?

Pussy is a slang term for a frightful person who’s got no balls to stand up for something and make an impact of positivity, albeit just putting his head under the blanket and shiver with fear. I wish this is just literally purring and looking furrily cute but it isn’t.

There are different factors why we fear something. There’s a valid story behind them. But not every fear has a valid reason for not standing up and making a point if you think you are right and are contributing to a challenge and untie the knots of hurdles. Yet again, individuality sets in. Not everybody, unfortunately, gets it. Not everybody have a fucking idea. It frustrates the ones who get it. The ones who have got the fucking idea.

It all --- time and again, as I always express--- boils down to choices. When you grow up, you pick the good and the bad things that you would like to include in who you are and what you want your life to be. It’s just like iPhone apps. You choose the apps you want or need so you’ll experience your phone a lot better. Some may download apps in excess to what they want; others just don’t care as long as it is cool, while others just have no idea of what apps they will choose because there’s a $0.99 charge on each one of it.

You are really what you choose.

But this does not mean you’ll easily gain respect whatever you choose.

So what now?

I do not have all the answers for everybody but just one thing for myself: I detest pussies in this world.

So okay, this is being dealt with. Take your part and please do stand for yourself. Nobody will if you cannot show that you are taking a stand for yourself.

________________

Romanticism is like a Lego set that you construct as an idea of your vision about these building blocks available to you.

I love love. Romance is a business. Therefore, an unconventional fascination towards who you adore is one of the greatest things that you should live for.

This is the best love letter I have ever received, 29 years of my life.



Having received hundreds of creative ones before, it’s been a while. Emails, chats, eCards, social networking… blah blah blah… replaced the ideas of the craft of old school hand-written letters and highlighted the laziness of expression nowadays.

I’m a big tekkie but I still support traditional media. Convergence is my thing, not killing the mother ship of any idea. It’s the spirit of something that counts.

Back to the letter. I am very protective of my privacy of my relationship but this letter is definitely worth sharing. It is made out of ridicule and silliness but in all ways, I appreciate it. Honest, funny and real. The meaning is beyond what is written. It is made by hand, ink and pen. It is made of a bond beyond fibre. It is binded by trusted love.

You don’t grasp it? Well then, I hope that at least in your life, you can feel what is simple, genuine and true. No taints, no fakes. Transparency of your soul exuberates and influences other people. That is our role that’s why we all live.

Cracks in the Pavement Monologue

I keep on delaying once more to write and update my blog posts. It's not about procrastination but connection. It seems that whenever I feel like I have something smart to write, I am away from access. My ponder state of being usually happens in commute, walks or anywhere away from technology.

I have to get a netbook then.

Okay. Another material quest goes on. What is new? It seems that we always have a need for something. But is it a part of improving yourself? Upgrading one's material system?

Some people live contented with whatever they have and will only get what they need and avoid the wants. Some just want, want, want, not consoling what they need so it conceals the real things. Who are obssessed with money? The worriers.

I honestly keep on thinking about money. Worried that I don't have enough to get the through the month, the year, the future. I have always been like this even during my fruitful years because I made myself self-reliant, that I 'shouldn't' depend on anybody but myself. The control freak in me just made it so robust that I have to keep up with my focal expectations.

Though being aware of this, it is not too late to change ways. I need to relax more. I am actually okay with everything. It's just that I am not the saving-everything-in-the-bank-and-starve-myself-of-what-life-has-to-offer type. I have enough to pay all my bills on-time, travel as much as I could, eat good food and give myself a few treats at times and most importantly, set aside a fund for my future.

So why am I worried again? Maybe I have to control the control freak in me. My world is great. It is not perfect but I achieved the nirvana before, why can't I continue to do so?

The focal point is happiness. I am going astray through a professional suicide episode. Some things are just not on your side but that doesn't mean you cannot fight for it and go back to where you want to be. I just needed more cranial exercise to challenge myself in the workforce. Nobody will hand it to me so I have to hand it to them. Just sail through the right direction. Flaws will shape your new clay of experience. Seize it and make sure you mold it into a precious porcelain.

You may not know what I am ranting about but that's just the way it is. As always.

A Funeral Dedication for the Love of Eddie in the Tune of Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal

"Eddie are you okay,
Are you okay,
Are you okay, Eddie?
You've been hit by,
You've been struck by -
A Smooth Criminal.."

May you rest in peace, Eddie.

Eddie, our little black panther came into my life a few months back when I saw him wandering around our street and he used to follow me with loud meow responses when I call him "kittie..." then disappears.

I always wondered who owned this cute black cat. Then our neighbor across the street were moving houses. Wendy and Ian informed us that we can get the first hand choice to get some of their stuff that they'll put up for a garage sale. It was too bad that I feel that I am building a good friendship with Wendy and they have to leave. She asked if we love cats and I said I miss my Coffee Cats back in PH and she mentioned about Eddie -- the cat that they took in 8 years ago when he was abandoned by their neighbors who moved out. They were worried about him because they cannot take him with them elsewhere so I jumped (without consulting my beau's approval) and said that we can feed him everyday, no problem. In the end, my beau just said okay.

I thought we will just be "Eddie's feeding station," considering that he's an indie cat who may not like so much affection and attention but his own dominion of space. But I managed to play with him sometimes or hang out and talk with him while I'm gardening. I got some bites and scratches from him at times, knowing that a street cat is more pensive than housed cats.

After a couple of weeks, Eddie became part of our daily lives and routine. He knew when we wake up and come home from work. He knew when to meow for food and when he can hang out inside the house. He became more relaxed, housed feline. It's not long until he captured us deeply. He easily played the part of being my baby, not betraying my Cappuccino and Espresso back in PH.

We said goodnight and put Eddie at the back porch after midnight of 02 September. The next morning, we were wondering that there was no meow from Eddie for his breakfast. He wesn't around for the first time since he became "housed". We tried to go around our street screaming his name and no answer. I was damn worried but we thought he'd come back that night or the next day for he may got into a fight or something. Days passed. We tried to look for him everyday. I tried to call him when I'm at home, hoping that he may come back. I tried to avoid thinking of morbidity and worst-case scenarios and stick to the faith that he's alive and will come back home.

14 September -- It was 13 days and I felt dying inside for Eddie. Beau overheard our neighbor talking about a black cat that was found trapped on the ceiling of a vacant house one street away from us. He joined the conversation and he knew it was Eddie. He was found 3 days before by this family and called SPCA (animal rescue in SG). The guy advised my partner to call SPCA immediately because they usually put down a surrendered animal in 2-3 days.

He called. We waited until the next morning to confirm if we can retrieve him.

The next morning came. My partner broke the news to me through an early phone call.

He was put to sleep. We were too late. Eddie is gone.

I just can't organise myself and I cry in confusion, anger, sadness and illogical logic. I cannot wrap my head around the fact. I cannot think of what more we could've done to find him. It was all should, could, would... it was useless to regret anything. After all it was too late. We tried and failed miserably.

Too many questions in my head. In the end, it hurts so bad. A love that grew fast has to end earlier. I am afraid that I cannot get through the day. My eyes are constantly wet from holding back more tears at work.

But I have to be strong.

I have to let him go. Like what I did with Orange (my 6-month old ginger kitten who died of feline leukemia). I still cry for Orange who passed away in 2006. This will be the same for Eddie. They will always be missed. They left a special paw in my heart.

Eddie, I love you. Have a great life in Cat Heaven.

See you again. No goodbyes yet.

And no regrets.

Baking Flour of a Delectable Dessert Called Love

I just have to write it down.

I have a good mate for years. A guy who is afraid to commit and all he wanted is hot sizzling monkey love with hot chicks that come along. Beyond that, nothing. We had been talking rarely lately but each time we get a chance to talk, same topic. I have moved on from one love story to the other stumbling and winning pinnacles of my life, it is still the same story with him.

I never get bored to listen and converse with him though, because I know that deep inside this guy, is someone who is thinking about something more he wanted and keep on denying that he also needed: someone to love and will love him back. Don't tell me that I am romanticising or over reacting but as a friend, I know better. Not just women think the same. We all are afraid of growing old alone.

He told me one time: "Maybe at some point, I'll find someone who will make me commit." And then the other: "I will never be ready to commit." And then the other: "It's going nowhere but sex is good."

All I hope for is that at some point, he will care enough to admit to himself that this lifestyle is getting tiring. That he won't date for ulterior reasons alone.

So maybe he did.

I saw his Facebook page albeit his status still says "single," I keep on seeing a lot of pictures of him with this woman. I've checked them out and told myself that what I'm thinking "can't be true." But seems like it. Only one way to find out. I sent him a message to ask if that woman in his photos are his "hmmm." He just replied and said "Yup, she's my girlfriend."

I was overwhelmed! The long time I have been hoping for! For 7 years I have known this guy, that G word never ever occurred. I can never be happier!

But I just realised something. Let's measure the flour into two parts:

Sifted

Truth be told, men (or perhaps women) who are commitment-phobic will bend their own rule when that someone comes along. No scientific explanation here but there will always be someone that will knock us off our feet and realise that we have to take this love route and never care about anything else but happiness. That it is worth the risk from leaving your old lifestyle and logic. It is just the way it is. Amazing.

Getting deeper beyond BF-GF stage, some men have their "va-va-voom" moment when they know that this is the woman that they will marry even if they never plan nor think about it ever before. That moment of thunder just comes and captures them. Unfortunately, this never happens all the time. When you know, you know (well, most of the time).

Unsifted

Did my friend really found something special with this woman to finally commit or he lowered his standards and expectations because he realises that his clock is ticking and he's getting old and alone?

Some people resort to "Whatever. I'll just take it even though it doesn't fit well." Because the sale will close tonight. Because the purse is so pretty and it is the wrong colour but you buy it anyway because it is the "in" thing. Because you think that everybody in your group of friends are married but you. Because society said that a small dog in a Louis Vuitton bag are cool though it'll break your bank. Because a sex scandal tape will make you more popular.

Shortchanging won't solve anything. It will make things worse. You don't want to regret anything in your life when you look back.
_________________

I am not saying that you look for perfection anally. All I am saying that you know what fits you. No organised or fucked up society will tell you what to do but you. Besides, the cliche "nobody's perfect" is something to celebrate about. We are all beautifully imperfect and we have a choice. Our own time. Our own real moment.

It's just a little thought to provoke since this is a very interesting topic. I may probably never know what my friend really feels but I hope for the best for him-- that he finally found love and how superfragicalistic it feels.

After all, I care about my friends' happiness. I will always hope for their success, peace, ardor and everything great.

Positively Cynical: Yours Truly

I am considered a positive, go-getter person but it seems that a cog of my mind is still my old cynical self.

It’s all about puppy love and high school.

I have to confess that I’ve watched High School Musical 1, 2 and last night, 3. I am guilty of patrolling on something cheesy and no-brainer like this!!! Please do not castrate me (oh yeah I can remember I don’t have testicles, but you know what I mean). There are some days where the Disney Empire still runs through my veins and I get curious thus the movie played in my telly tube. Did I enjoy it? Not really.

I rolled my eyes for that “puppy-love-scene-development“ with Gabrielle and Zac’s character… I forgot what the name was. Those seriousness and “forever” theme makes me want to puke at this Generation Juvy (aside from not looking at Vanessa Hudgens the same way again after her sexual undie pics over the ‘net – not judging her but I cannot see a virginal character out of her anymore, to my amusement).

I invited a girl friend over dinner last weekend and we were talking about teenagers (when we were once before as well) thinking that they know everything. As we look back, yes we thought so and we learned everything the hard way. Nothing and no force can control this phenomenon but mistakes that make teenagers fall flat on their faces with lessons of reality, little by little, until they become mature adults (realistically, not everybody grows up though!).

What makes me feel sick about this High School love is that they delude kids that when you love at that age, it is yours forever-- that you won’t live nor survive without that person ever. That you have to beat all odds and be together even you’re miles apart when you go separate ways in college. That you rush things and think of marrying each other, or even falling to sex as early as 13 years of age!

My rant will be endless if I do not stop here. I’m sure you already catch my drift amongst the silver lining that they teach kids that love is powerful blah blah blah. You are still motivating them to be curious about kissing at that tender age and get pregnant in the process!

So, during the HS Musical 3 sequence, I kept on sighing and rolling my eyes on some scenes that involved these 2 movie/reality lovebirds. It comes to show that fantasy of many teenagers that this is the meaning of destiny, clinging on romance and dreams. After all, nobody knew better at that age.

The balloon can be popped once a teenager gets the taste of reality. You become older and hopefully wiser and life goes on. “It takes a lot of frogs to kiss before you will find your Prince Charming.” It’s just not about dating but individual life experiences. You leave the foolish high school-ness and carry on to realise that life is beyond what we knew it was before. That taking steps to the future is always a surprise, but can be strategically organised in a way. Unfortunately, not everybody has this perception. Especially the new generation teens. That media is to be blamed. And yet so maybe movies like this can be blamed partially.

I am afraid to be a parent in the future because of this. I don’t have any idea how my kids will turn out no matter how much I balance parenting and all that. But if I don’t try at some point, I wouldn’t know and I should be taking my own dose of truth: that I will know what to do when I get there; That my present will teach me the way for the future if I am open to life experience. And I always am.

Thus saying that, I will still keep rolling my eyes to juvenile love and deluded teenagers.

I'm trying to get a video parody but nothing seems that appropriate to my taste at the moment.

A Year of New 'Dos and Haphazarding Observations

I.

It has been a year and 2 days since I came around and got over my painful past and started living life surrounded by good things. I got over so much of the bitterness and anger and gave myself a chance to live peacefully with myself and others. It was a heck of a great journey. Something where I will always look back and feel humbled and blessed.

The biggest wisdom earned: I am not that stupid. Because I know what I want in life and there is no compromise, I made great decisions that ended up so well, I cannot thank this gift of wisdom enough.

II.

Another subject to tackle is that I just observed that in this superficial world, agents and spotters mostly think that only tall people has the X-factor. They settle with so-so looking peeps rather than having pretty shorties. I guess that's why it is superficial. It serves its part of the balance. Like money will make you look good... NOT. If you are fugly, you are fugly as trash with cash goes. (Oi, suck it, Wish.)

Okay, I am having some brain juice draught here but I need to put up some of my little thoughts over the last weekend. I'm out of here.

Life is beautiful. Keep that in mind.